Anakin Does Everyone But Padme
by nat13cat
Summary: Involves gum in hair, a doped up yoda and a singing palps... its pretty stupid feel free not to like it  I stole the title from leftyblondy's Rex Does Everyone But Ahsoka


"Ahsoka, what are you chewing?" Anakin asked suspiciously. He watched his Padawan pull the mysterious package out of an ancient box of supplies found on a ship wreck from centuries ago.

"S'called gum master. How could you have not heard of it?" She rolled her eyes at him. "It's, like, the most nutrishadecishalicious thing, like, ever!" she squeaked and clapped her hands while jumping up and down. Anakin could feel her IQ points dripping away through the force as she chewed like a nerf. For fear of his Padawan's brain he did the smart thing,

"Spit that out right now!" he ordered.

"Ugh! You hate me!" she said but when he held out his hands she rolled her eyes and leaned forward to spit. "Hold out both your hands," she said with a smirk. If it was going to get that poison out of her system then he'd jump up and down like a monkey. Then, she proceeded to spit the gum into her own hand and smack it to his forehead.

"Snips!" he shouted as the pink substance got caught in his wonderful hair.

"See ya, nimrod," she said with an explicitly girly wave and trotted off down the hangar, only to stop half way and look around confused. "What just happened?" she said and scratched her neck. Shrugging, she skipped off, finding that she suddenly liked the action.

Anakin, however, had other things on his mind.

"Nimrod, what the fuck is a nimrod?" he muttered as he desperately tugged the gum from his hair. It didn't budge. He tired using the force, to no avail. "Curse you gum!" he shouted to no one in particular, though the clones walking by did look at him funny. That gave him an idea. "Skip, bring me captain Rex." he shouted and they all stopped, the lead one touched his chest with an indignant huff.

"No, I'm Wink, that's Skip," he pointed to the guy next to him.

"No, I'm Jinx. That's Skip," he pointed to the clone on the other side of Wink.

"Actually, I'm Trick." Anakin face palmed.

"I hate working with clones." After hours of arduous searching, he finally found Rex.

"Captain, what do you think you could do about this?" he said and pointed at the gum. Rex ran his fingers over his non-existent beard.

"Well sir, we could blast it off," Rex said with a demonic smile. Anakin was already shaking his head and screaming.

"No! Not my hair! It took hours to get it this way! I have flow!" he whined. Rex tapped his chin again.

"We could always enact a no fly zone," Rex said with a shrug. "It would be the least we could do."

"What the fuck is a no fly zone?" Anakin asked no one in particular again. Rex shrugged and hefted his blaster.

"The least we can do. Aka, nothing."

Anakin next went to Obi-wan.

"Obi-wan, how do you get gum out of-"

"Shhhh," said his master, who was staring at the holo screen.

"but-"

"Shut it Anakin," he said again. Anakin dropped beside him on the couch.

"What are you watchin?" he asked, as he saw a booby fake blond woman slapped in hand cuffs as his master cheered.

"Lindsey Lohan's trial. Now they're going to make a mug shot calendar!" he seemed so excited. Anakin left his master to his fantasies about that woman's inexplicably huge boobes.

Now, Anakin was really desperate. He went to the great master Yoda for advice. The little green goblin had really gone downhill. At the moment he was so doped up, you could take him as a drug.

"Master Yoda, how do I get gum from my hair without cutting it?" he said. The little troll giggled and almost fell over backwards as he looked up at Anakin.

"Not possible, is it. Read new rules, I have written," he said and handed Anakin a piece of paper before stumbling off and randomly shouting, "WINNING!" at the top of his lungs. Anakin decided to read the piece of paper the grammatically challenged gremlin had given him.

Does not work, the force does on

Cockroaches

Plastic bags

Gum

Seducing beautiful women/men into bed

Making people fall in love

Bringing people back from the dead

Wishing for more wishes

"That doesn't make any sense," he mumbled until he saw the last note.

Does it, yes.

"Horny Green troll," he said and threw the list down before stomping off. Time for the last resort.

"My Master," he said bowing before the great lord Sideous.

"Still no Anakin," said the man as he span around in his wheelie chair after handing Anakin a list. It said:

The Darkside of the Force does not work on:

1. Cockroaches

2. Plastic bags

3. Gum

4. Making people fall in love

5. Bringing people back from the dead

6. Wishing for more wishes

"This is just as bad as the lightside!" he yelled and threw the list away.

"Yes," said palps "Yet you can seduce beautiful men/women into bed!" he giggled then. Creepy.

"I don't need that! I've fucked half the characters in this galaxy!"

"I know. That was a fun night. But I'm still not helping you. "

"Awn come on!" Anakin said and stamped his foot. "I even promised to help you take over the galaxy!"

"That's just it!" said chancellor palps. "I don't want to take over!" he suddenly burst out of his robes into a sparkly top meant for thirteen year old girls. "I want to become and insta star over the holo-net by posting a video with highly computerized vocals with lyrics that are totally literal and have no meaning, yet put a rapping black man in the middle to give it credibility among top rate record companies! You wanna hear it!" it wasn't a question.

By the eighteenth time palps had said "Friday, Friday, gotta get down on Friday," Anakin had jumped into the lava.

Finally, he went crawling home to Padme.

"I can't get the gum out of my hair! I've tried everything!" Padme sighed and sat her husband down in a chair.

"I can get it out," she said and went to the kitchen. "But first I need to ask you a few questions." He cool hand touched his forehead, seemingly examining his hair.

"K," he mumbled.

"First, have you fucked Ahsoka?" she said. Anakin blanched.

"No!" yet there was a blush in his cheeks. Padme sighed and continued her questions.

"Barris, Luminara, Ayala?"

"No, no, and you were there so I can't deny it." Padme rolled her eyes.

"How about Churchi? Satine? Ventress?"

"No, Actually no obi-wan would kill me, and Dooku would kill me."

"Bail, Fisto, Mace?"

"No, no, and why do you think he hates me?"

"My hand maidens? Obi-wan? Rex?"

"Some, no, no,"

"Bad at lying, he is," said a hung over Yoda who had crashed on Padme's couch.

"Yes, and now he's going to pay," she said with a wicked grin and snipped through Anakin's hair. After touching his forehead anxiously for a few moments, he panicked dropped to his knees and screamed,

"N o o o o o o o o o!" (my flow…)


End file.
